break in the clouds

My sister came to visit me this past weekend. As most of you who have read this know it has been a rough few weeks for my family, for me, and for my sister. I have found myself broken watching her hurt, and watching her do things that she has never done before. Many of the things she does not even want to do, but cannot stop herself yet. Friday night at seven, I gave her the medicine and for the first time in two weeks prayed for her.

Now before you freak out I want to explain that I have not lost my faith or my desire to love and trust Jesus or anything of that effect. I have on the other hand felt as if God wasn’t particularly interested listening to my prayers … no that is wrong … he was listening he just was not answering in the direction that I wanted, therefore I didn’t particularly want to talk to him. However that is not the point of this blog please read on I think you will like it.

Heather and I went to a movie (Chicken Little if you want to know … and it wasn’t too bad if I do say so myself) and it was a pleasure just being with her. I had the opportunity to watch her smile, laugh, almost cry (there was this touching bit with the daddy chicken) and I loved every minute of it.

There were times when I was frustrated when she didn’t listen to me, and I was floored when she told my suite she wanted to read them a scripture and do a sermon. I laughed a bit when she started singing hymns to the girls that came to visit, and I cringed when she went back into her head on the way out of the theatre. Nevertheless, through all of those I realized that I had an unshakable love for her. My heart swelled, my eyes filled up with tears and I treasured every moment.

I realized that even in her broken state, I loved her more than I can type, say, or share. Because I knew her heart. I knew that she wanted to do what I wanted, and I knew that she was loving me and communicating with me as best as she could.

On the way back from the movie it got worse, the more I looked at her the more I was just consumed with the love that I felt. Then it just clicked. In my fallen, broken state, God is looking at me the same way. I wonder how broken he finds himself watching me hurt, and watching me do things that I have never done before. Many of the things I did not even want to do, but cannot stop myself … yet. I am sure that I have never before felt as loved nor given out as much love as I did in that moment.

Not everything is fixed … but … for a moment there was a break in the clouds.

perspective

There are times when I get caught up in stupid things. Time when I make arguments that aren't going to matter. Then there are times that put everything else into perspective.

As many of you know my little sister has Down's syndrome. However, through everything that has happened to her she kept a great spirit and a great relationship with God. I have always said that she is a better Christian than me. Recently though, she has been a bit more reserved and eventually stopped wanting to be with people. Her joyous disposition had been replaced with fear and an intense urge to be alone. God has become an afterthought as opposed to the passion it once held.

This past week, Heather was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't really know what all this consists of completely and I'm still a little numb to be honest. My sister has been my world for a long time. She is the true love of my life, and when I watch her hurt it tears me apart.

Today orthodoxy and worship styles don't seem very important. Today all of my logical answers to the problem of pain are useless. Today grades and graduation could not matter less. Today I hurt.